There are three people sitting on the ground in a dark room illuminated by a lantern that is almost out of power. There has been an outbreak of zombies, which is presently there chief concern, as the zombies cannot yet get in, but they cannot yet escape because of ummmmm the zombies, which are right outside the door, waiting and moaning, and such.
Chris: I think I'm ready to give up hope.
Bill: Then just give up hope, you don't need to talk about it.
Chris: I would kill myself if I could find something to kill myself with.
Sarah: No, don't say that.
Chris: Well, I would...
Bill: When the lantern finally really burns out, you could swallow the lantern, it would block your windpipe, no air would pass, that would be it..
Chris: I wish I had a gun
Sarah: It would help against the zombies, surely
Chris: Not to bumm you guys out, but I had plans long before all of this and those plans involved me ending my life- I wish I hadn't delayed... If we had a gun right now, I don't think there would be any doubts about what we should do with it
Sarah: Suicide is so sad
Chris: To think about how miserable that job made me, life made me, ehhh, horrible. I should have stayed in Minnesota and killed myself instead of moving to Queens and taking that job.
Sarah: Look on the bright side, if you had stayed there, we would be dead- if it wasn't for you and those cans of tuna fish, me and Bill here would be eating dirt to survive.
Bill: You may very well have lived a pointless life, but I am glad that you were on my train when the bottom fell out
Chris: What a very bad chain of events. (motioning to Sarah)
I saw you on the subway, you always looked happy...
Sarah: I had a good job and I had a good life, a nice apartment, a friendly dog.
Bill: Me too, but all of that is over, we have to think of the future
Chris: No such thing. Hey would any of you two be willing to strangle me, or I don't know, give me your shoe laces so that I can hang myself.
Sarah: Absolutely not. Come on, cheer up!
Chris: Ok ok ok, I'll try. Oh shit! I'd love to just jump out there and see how many of them I could take down with a shotgun before they surrounded me and ripped me apart.
Bill: Too many of them, it wouldn't be a help. The best thing to do, is to wait it out and well... think about what we can do as men and women to preserve the future of mankind
Sarah: Oh please don't get on that again, not the best time to make propositions, eh?
Bill: I'm just saying that it would be for the good of mankind.
Chris: You two screwing in a subway maintenance room isn't going to save humanity.
Bill: I disagree
Sarah: Not happening. Not gonna do anything with you, Bill.
Bill: But it would help pass some time, bring a little joy into our bleak lives. Five days in a dark room with you two has been very bleak... I mean, thanks alot for the suicide threats and the stories about your gas station attendant days in Minnesota, and Sarah, thanks for your optimism and your general sexxy aura, but... action speaks louder than words and we have a debt to fulfill
Chris: I don't want kids
Bill: I don't think it's up to you at this point, in order to...
Sarah: Yeah yeah I know, preserve humanity... well just leave me alone, ok, not happening. I'm engaged. (holding up her hand with the wedding ring on it)
Bill: Still, how can you be sure.
Sarah: That what, the zombies didn't get my fiance? I know, ok.
Bill: And how do you know
Sarah: I know in my heart, and if John was dead I would just know in my heart.
Chris: You are very optimistic, thankfully you are here to keep us all in good spirits.
Sarah: Well, there is no reason to give up hope. Hopes a good thing. I don't think suicide is a good answer and I don't think sex is either... we just have to wait it out.
Chris: I can hear them out there, they are waiting, maybe we shouldn't talk
Sarah: Oh, I would rather get eaten by zombies then to sit here in complete silence
Bill: Agreed, hey, you know what, I just had an idea...
Sarah: what?
Bill: Maybe if me and you started fucking then the zombies would hear our moans of passion and confuse them for zombie moans and they would become disinterested in our living flesh, and well, press on, thinking our living flesh was zombie flesh.
Sarah: Not gonna happen, you see this...(holding up the wedding ring)
Bill: Sorry, sorry, don't mind me, just trying to save the world.
Sarah: You saved us, thank you, yeah if it wasn't for you they would have eaten us like everybody else on the L train.
Bill: Well, I just did what ever I could do. I used to sneak into this room to catch naps and smoke cigarettes when I got tired of sweeping up. I always dreamed of getting a beautiful young buinsess girl in here alone, now as soon as Chris kills himself, I will get my wish.
Chris: Ok, now in spite, i am going to keep living, keep your shoelaces asshole... (Bill shrigs and begins to retie his laces) Yeah, thanks for saving my life even though I wanted to die and still want to die.
Bill: No sweat kid, I know how you feel. I see a lot of people in this subway, I can tell by the look on their face that 1/4 of them are thinking about jumping in front of the train, and that's just on a regular manhatten morning, forget about the end of the world mornings like we've been having. They stand there on the platform, and I see that look, the look, ohhhh- I expect a lot more of them to jump down then the ones tat do. Every once in a while somebody does. It is all part of that fake big apple dream, very romanticized....this i'm gonna jump off the empire state building, or i'm gonna jump infront of the F train...Once I saw a guy jump down onto the tracks and he was standing there waiting for the train to come and hit him. I was all alone, it was like three in the morning.
Sarah: Oh my god
Bill: Yeah, he was just standing there with his arms out his legs spread, he looked like a big X. I was sweeping, like I said, and then I stopped sweeping and walked to the edge of the platform, and I just stood there looking at him. After a minute it became kind of awkward. he was crying, I said, hey, you know, that train is done for awhile... its gonna be like twenty minutes, late night and all.
Chris: what did he say
Bill: He didn't say much, he just stood there, a big X, crying. Then after a minute, he put his arms down so that he was no longer an X and he walked to the edge of the platform and I had to reach my hand down to pick him up.
Sarah: Suicide is so sad.
Bill: The guy picked up his bag and walked up the steps back into the port authority, still crying.
Chris: I'm sure he had a good reason.
Bill: Yeah, I'm sure too. The world is fucked up. Probably why we got all of these zombies. All of the racism and fast food and crappy sitcoms and car bombs and homeless people and lack of faith, we deserve to be eaten alive by the living dead. The human race had this coming, my uncle was a minister, he used t always say to us kids, ya know world is gonna end revelation... revelation, motherfucking zombies gonna come, zombies gonna come, have a plan! Know Jesus have a plan!
Sarah: Deep. And you probably thought he was crazy, saying that...
Bill: You would have too, we were standing around a mental ward, he was crazy! We used to go visit him in the home, he attacked his nurse with a spear that he made from a cardboard tube and a sharpened garden spade, we were all surprised that she lived, that was terrible... terrible, and he was getting old and looney, said that he thought that she was a zombie. ZOMBIE! Imagine that! Said it was the way she walked, see she was a real weird lady, walked like she had broken legs, couldn't get around that fast.
Sarah: John had a dream that something bad was gonna happen, only in his dream, it wasn't zombies...
Chris: What was it?
Sarah: Giant Rabbits.
Bill: From outer space (laughing)
Sarah: It would be no more ridiculous than this.
Chris: (laughing) No, That would be more ridiculous.
Sarah: How do you figure? And also, I don't appreciate you calling my finance ridiculous (smirking)
Bill: Ex finance, respectively
Sarah: Actually, any minute now, we'll probably hear gun fire and he'll kick down the door- to save me. Of course, in defense of my honor he'll have to kick your ass a few times for all of the lewd remarks. (smirking) I'm kidding.
Bill: I know karate, wouldn't matter bout your honor.
Sarah: He's a fire fighter.
Bill: I used to beat up firefighters all the time.
Chris: I hope he brings a big mac.
Bill: You eat that shit?
Chris: Yeah, I eat that shit. Death wish, remember.
Sarah: What's the deal with the death wish, what happened?
Chris: Nothing.
Sarah: Nothing?
Bill: Yeah, yeah, heard this before. I had a depressed uncle, you remind me of him- only he had a reason to be depressed.
Chris: what was his reason?
Bill: He lived in georgia ghetto and his father was a crazy minister who threw a spear into his nurse, who said the world was gonna end.
Chris: I loved a girl and she didn't love me.
Bill: You know how many times that happened to me?
Chris: How many?
Bill: Must have been ten million times a year, sweeping garbage in the subway, you see all those beautiful intelligent women- easy to fall in love. Always in love, man, always.
Chris: This one girl in particular, when she left me- that was it, game over. I came to the city to find her.
Sarah: That's romantic
Chris: She has a restraining order on me.
Sarah: That's romantic.
Chris: I got drunk and tried to break her door down. She thought I was trying to rape her. I was just trying to give her the birthday present I bought her... I came all the way from Minnesota on a bus, then the bitch won't even let me see her...
Bill: What did yo get her?
Chris: Sex in the City Season Two on DVD. Turns out she had it anyway, big deal.
Sarah: But the thought was beautiful, and inspiring... that there could be a love strong enough to make you want to kick down a door to get to her.
Chris: I wound up getting maced by the police, which is actually ten million times worse than I had ever guessed it would be.
Bill: I been maced, its no fun. You ever been peppersprayed?
Chris: No.
Sarah: I carry pepperspray.
Bill: I know, I saw you try to use it on that bag lady
Sarah: In my defense, I thought that she was a zombie.
Chris: When you are panicked, you don't think. She might have been a zombie, but, she was sitting next to me on the train, and... well-
Sarah: well, I feel awful
Bill: She would have been devoured regardless, don't dwell...
Sarah: So much to dwell on.
Chris: No sense crying over spilled milk, or stolen ideas. That's another thing that kills me about Heather... it was always my idea to move to New York, I always said that i hated Minnesota and that i was going to move to New York, and she says that she loves Minnesota and wants to live in Minnesota forever, and then she dumps me and moves to New York and I think that its just a test and I come to new york and she won't see me. So I'm living in a rotten collapsing hotel, and then still trying to get her to see me, and its not happening and getting too drunk on a saturday night and trying to give her Sex in the City season Two on DVD and the next thing I know BLINDED!
Sarah: By love...
Chris: By the police, dragged into jail, left to die in detainment.
Sarah: Things will work out with you two.
Chris: I'm not feeling too strong about it.
Bill: Yeah after the zombies are gone, you tow love birds will move in together and watch Sex in the City, eat big macs, play nintendo and do kama sutra.
Chris: I hope.
Bill: Crazier things have happened. Like zombies.
The lantern in the room has dimmed to an ultimate last gasp.
Sarah: Well that looks like the end of the light.
Bill: We were lucky to have it as long as it lasted. Thankfully I am a pack rat, and this was my rat den... and thanks to the kid for all of the tuna fish.
Chris: I stole that. I steal feel guily.
Sarah: Forget it!
Chris: never stole anything in my life, I was out of money, just had enough for the ticket back...
Bill: No sense getting all weepy, I wish that you had stolen some D batteries, then we could have some light.
Darkness envelopes them. The sound of the zombies outside the door is the only sound. Then a sound can be heard in the room, motion.
Sarah: what are you doing? Knock it off.
Bill: Oh, sorry...
Sarah: Hey, stop!
Chris: Hey, leave her alone.
The sound of a small struggle.
Bill: Ok Ok, I get the hint.
Sarah: I still have that pepperspray, for your information...
Bill: I'm just being realistic
Sarah: Right now, what you just tried to do seems like the most unrealistic thing that could ever happen in these circumstances.
Then, an odd blue light comes through the wall of the room, and the darkness is broken partially. Ryan, a ghost enters. He is a ghost in his early twenties, he is dressed in a canadian tuxedo, blue jeans, blue jean jacket- he has large sideburns and wears a dream catcher
Ryan: Don't be scared.
Chris screams, Bill screams.
Ryan: I'm a friendly ghost.
Sarah: Really
Ryan: yeah (motioning towards the door) My body is out there trying to get in here and well, devour all of you.
Bill: Tell it to knock it off.
Ryan: It won't listen, I've tried.
Bill: Try harder.
Sarah: What's going on out there, is help coming?
Ryan: I have no idea. I don't think so.
Chris: that is disconcerting
Ryan: How do you think I feel? Shit, this is fucked up... I was reading poetry in the tunnel when out of nowhere, I get chomped on the neck and the hand and then... well, ghost in da house!
Bill: Sorry.
Ryan: My body has been on a killing spree, it drifted up through Bryant park with the rest of the horde eating people all through times square... tourists who deserved kicks in the head but not zombie attacks!
Sarah: The city is in ruins.
Ryan: Very very ruined. A lot of people evacuated, but let me put it to you this way... New York city is not a good place to be right now. This is probably the real end of the world.
Bill: How is your body holding up
Ryan: starting to rot. It's hot down here and it was pouring rain for two days- apparently, zombies don't like the rain, and they aren't intelligent enough to operate umbrellas. (suddenly annoyed) I was a fucking Buddhist, how do you think that makes me feel about watching my body eat people! Innocent people!
Sarah: Not good.
Ryan: DUH! When I was alive I never even hurt a FLY, literally if I was walking around and I saw a bug, I would FUCKING STEP OUT OF THE WAY. GOD!!
Bill: So what now?
Ryan: So what now what?
Bill: well, how do we get out of here?
Ryan: I don't know how you can get out of here.
Sarah: Well, is there some secret door or escape hatch that we don't know about, or...
Ryan: Nope.
Chris: Can you create a distraction and we'll make a run for it.
Ryan: Run for it? You are completely engulfed in a sea of the undead. Plus there is no place to run.
Sarah: Food (shrugging) any food?
Ryan: I can't carry anything, I'm a ghost... I would if I could, but, well... ghost, so... sorry.
An awkward silence passes. Ryan begins to tap his foot. Chris coughs.
Ryan: So what are you guys up to?
Sarah: Nothing much, starving to death in the dark, dunno.
Ryan: Oh, that's cool. You guys mind if I hang out, kind of boring out there...
Bill: Fine, yeah.
Chris: It's kind of nice, you glow a nice blue color, like a faint fire. Much better than being in the dark.
Ryan: yeah, that's the only nice part I like about being a ghost. The blue fire is nice. walking through walls is awesome also.
Chris: Can you fly?
Ryan: a little bit, its exhausting though... I don't know how birds do it.
Sarah: Birds have hollow bones.
Ryan: Oh yeah, well I don't have any bones.
Sarah: You don't have wings...
Bill: what does being dead feel like?
Ryan: Feels the same. Just very boring, nobody to talk to, and I'm kinda bummed, I thought that there would be an afterlife or something... now, well- I don't know what is gonna happen. But i guess that's everybody.
Bill: That's probably the biggest common thread among humanity, we're all worried about what is gonna happen.
Chris: Dogs worry too
Sarah: I hope my dog is fine.
Ryan: Zombies don't like the way that dogs taste.
Sarah: I am so worried about her, and John...
Ryan: Oh... I could check in on them...
Sarah: Would you?
Ryan: Yeah sure, no sweat. (snapping fingers, suddenly dissapears)
Chris: Weird.
Bill: Yeah
Then suddenly the ghost rematerializes.
Ryan: the dog's fine, John wasn't home. She says hello, by the way.
Sarah: You talk to dogs, of course.
Ryan: She misses you and is hungry.
Chris: Don't say anything about food.
Bill: Yeah. We ran out yesterday, and what we ran out from was just that old jar of olives that I kept on the shelf.
Sarah: I don't ever want to imagine an olive again. Spam and olives... what a horrible last meal.
Bill: At least there is one comfortable chair for us to take turns sitting in... I still kick myself for not having a can opener in here.
Chris: (to ryan) We thought, what would an otter do? Then we broke the cans open on the brick wall... that's how I almost cut this finger off (holding up his hand, the finger looks infected)
Ryan: You better have that looked at.
Sarah: That's what we said, it looks bad, right.
Bill: You ever had to eat tuna fish with dirt and soot and pieces of brick in it? No good, no good. I grew up in Georgia and we were poor, but we never had to eat brick crumb tuna, like a bunch of animals waiting around to die... and my wife always laughed at how much I played the lotto. Every man has to dream, even if that dream is ridiculous.
Chris: you got lucky numbers?
Bill: My daughters birthday. 11 25 81. Then I play 23 because that was Micheal Jordan's numbers and I throw in two sevens, for well, duh, sevens are motherfucking GOOD luck!
Sarah: That's sweet, that you play your daughters birthday.
Bill: They're both probably zombies now. My little girl and my wife- And don't bother getting all teary eyed, I'm not being senti mental... just a realist
Ryan: Almost definetly they are zombies, everybody is now.
Bill: I played the lotto five days a week, last twenty nine years... probably got the winner in my pocket right now. (to Ryan) Something been killing me, you see last Wednesdays Power Six drawing?
Ryan: No, you want me to check?
Bill: Would you check?
Ryan: Sure. (Ryan snaps his fingers and dissapears)
Chris: Seems kind of desperate
Sarah: Oh come on, he's nice...
Bill: He is desperate, I remember him, he was always reading bad poems and beating on a tambourine. It was bad enough, then him and that weird flute guy got together and you had to deal with bad subway poetry combined with bad subway flute.
Chris: I'm not into ghosts
Bill: Who is? They are majorly freaky.
Sarah: Scared?
Chris: A little. I grew up on a haunted farm, this isn't the first ghost I ever saw, the other one wasn't as... well friendly.
Sarah: You saw a ghost? (she sounds skeptical)
Chris: Yeah. I saw a ghost, just like, you just saw a ghost! and well, it wasn't pleasent. I think it is one of the main reasons why I have always been depressed.
Sarah: It scared you that bad, I'm sorry.Maybe you saw a ghost just now, but i didn't see a ghost, a saw a hallucination brought on by lack of food and water and possibly rotten olives and hysteria and stress and shock...
Chris: I'm embarrassed to say what really happened, I never told anybody.
Bill: Don't start now.
Sarah: No, go on, just say it, you'll feel better.
Chris: Well when I was little, I was molested, by a ghost.
Sarah: Oh.
There is a silence, a long silence.
Sarah: Molested by a ghost! Impossible.
Bill: I saw a UFO, but I had just staining the hardwood floors in a pancake house.
Sarah: No such thing as UFOs.
Chris: We are surrounded by the living dead, ghosts are checking our lottery tickets, I don't think now is a good time to be skeptical, and yeah I was molested by a ghost and it has made me uncomfortable ever since with the idea of... well everything.
Sarah: I just don't see the logic in believing in ghosts or god or... whats next unicorns, big foot? No offense to you Chris, or you Bill. As an engineer, I just don't see the scientific backing for...
Bill: I have a friend who saw big foot in Montreal, explain that.
Ryan rematerializes. There is a Chinese man, who is also a ghost who also materializes. This man glows with a green fire, he holds a flute.
Ryan: Hey, I want to introduce you to Jimmy.
Jimmy: Hi everybody.
Ryan: It was a crazy coincidence, I was checking the lottery numbers at the new stand and there was Jimmy! We used to entertain in these tunnels, now I guess we are doomed for all time to haunt them.
Jimmy: (nodding to Bill) Hey, I know you.
Bill: yeah, I know know you too, Hello. You're the flute guy.
Jimmy: That's me! Good memory. And you are the broom man, the sweeper. Good to see you again.
Sarah: Hi.
Chris: Hello.
Ryan: Bill, you're not going to believe this, but last wednesdays numbers were 11 29 81 7 25 and 7... yo got five out of the 6!!! You have any idea what that pays!!
Bill: HOLY SHIT! I WON I WON!! (Bill jumps up. He runs in a circle around the maintenance room. He kisses Sarah on the cheek, he tosstles Chris's hair, he dances for a moment...) I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
Ryan: I don't think anybody claimed the money either cause like the whole east coast was swarmed with zombies the day after the drawing, you are looking at a good hunk of change even on 5 numbers...
Jimmy: Congrats (he plays a few crazy notes on the flute in celebration)
Sarah: yeah congratulation Bill.
Bill: Now I can finally get Kim that house she's always wanted... goodbye shithole death trap apartment... and I can send Claire to college without her worrying about debt! Oh lucky fucking day!
Chris: But...
Bill: yeah, I know what you're gonna say, and don't even think about saying it. (A look of grief comes over Bills face. But he smiles again anyway. Kissing the lottery ticket, placing it back in his wallet. Putting the lottery ticket away.)
Ryan: Things are looking up. The rain stopped, the zombies are filing out of the tunnel, slow but steady. Its still certain death toleave but... well, at least they aren't right outside the door.
Jimmy: Those things are so dumb!
Ryan: Yeah, almost as dumb as turkeys. I was a vegetarian but I would eat turkeys because they were the dumbest animals in the world.
Sarah: Turkeys are stupid, that's a fact.
Chris: What makes them so stupid.
Sarah: When it rains, a turkey looks up at the rain transfixed with its mouth open and drowns.
Bill sits down in his chair, he is quite. He is staring off into space.
Ryan: These zombies do the same thing, they look up at the rain with their mouth open, except they can't drown because they are already dead so their bellies fill up and swell and swell and then burst. The smarter ones hang out waiting for trains that aren't coming anymore... so on.
Bill: Where is the army, where are the tanks!
Ryan: I don't know...
Chris: Fuck this, this sucks...
Ryan: It could be worse, really it could be.
Chris: I don't see how.
Jimmy: What's your problem? Chill out.
Chris: I don't like ghosts alright.
Jimmy: What kind of a thing is that to say!
Ryan: Hey, he didn't mean anything by it.
Chris: Sure I did.
Jimmy: Look, I don't appreciate rascists- keep your nazi rascist comments to yourself
Chris: Rascist?
Jimmy: Yeah, you got a problem with me cause of my race, ghost is a race you know... asshole.
Sarah: How is ghost a race.
Bill: It is, dudes dead, he's not a chinaman no more, now he's a ghost.
Ryan: Yeah, (motioning to Bill) just like when you die you won't be black anymore, you'll be a ghost.
Bill: Fuck that, I'll still be black. I'm proud of my heritage.
Jimmy: I came in here to play some nice flute, I didn't come in here to listen to rascist anti ghost comments.
Sarah: In his defense, he is completely insane...
Chris: Mind your own business Miss Goody two shoes.
Sarah: No, go on, tell your hallucinations what you said before...
Jimmy: Hallucinations? Excuse me for trying to bring some entertainment to the table...
Bill: Don't mind those two, that one is a scientific prude who won't give it up and that one over there is a sad pathetic loser who claims, get this... that a ghost molested him as a child in Minnesota.
Jimmy: Fuck you!
Ryan: I don't appeciate that brand of hate, how could a ghost have molested you!
Chris: It happened.
Ryan: Impossible.
Jimmy: yeah, for instance, I want to punch you right in our face right now for suggesting such a hateful claim, but I can't, because GHOSTS CAN'T MAKE CONTACT WITH THE LIVING!!
Chris: I know what happened, and I know how uncomfortable it made me feel with myself ever since, so don't...
Jimmy: Don't what.
Sarah: Can we change the subject please.
Chris: No, now that I started this, i want to end it. This is what happened... I was lying in my bed, hugging my teddy bear and the closet opened and the moon was full and it was shining right htrough the window and I saw a ghost in a white sheet with the eyes cut out and it had chains, shackles, and it was moaning and it came closer ot me and it said, "Christopher... lye down and close your eyes and if yo say a word, I will haunt you forever, boo booo booo!"
Ryan: I'm out of here.
Jimmy: (in disgust) yeah me too. later on biggots.
The ghosts disapear.
Bill: We're better off without them.
Sarah: Yeah, at least now its quiet...
Bill: Any second those two were going to break into flute playing and poetry recital... I could sense it.
Chris: I'm gonna hold my breath until it kills me.
Sarah: that wouldn't work.
Bill: When my daughter was four years old she threw a temper tantrum and held her breath until she got her way, she didn't get her way and we had to spend the night in the emergency room- she tuned blue and they had to shock her with the defibrillator. Bad way to find out your little girl has a bad heart.
Sarah: You know, I hate to say this, I know it sounds stupid to you guys, but I feel like if John was here- he would get me out of this mess.
Chris: He sounds like a real super hero.
Sarah: He is
Bill: Was.
Sarah: Is.
Chris: Its quicker to die of thirst than it is to die of starvation, I'm gonna stop swallowing my saliva, I think it will help me die faster
Bill: Oh man, that just made me think of something... so you know how swallow all day...
Chris: Not anymore
Bill: Anyway, well you swallow spit all day right- so would you spit in a cup all day long and drink the spit at the end of the day, even if it was warmed in the microwave, isn't it fucked up to think of that?
Sarah: Yeah real fucked up.
Bill: Life is real tough, man, its real tough.
Sarah: I am gonna miss going to the dog park with Gracie and John on a Sunday morning, throwing the football for her and kissing John under the elm tree
Chris: I'm gonna miss Heather and watching Sex and the city with her- you know, I never got to do anything with her, I'm still a virgin, horrible.
Bill: Maybe, you two, Sarah and Chris, maybe for the future of humanity you two should have intercourse... and then when you are unfulfilled from his meager first time- then I'll step and bring sweet orgasm toyour last sane day in the darkness of this subway...
Sarah: pepperspray. Ok, understand, pepperspray.
Bill: Don't mind me, just another crazy old man in the dark waiting to die on a comfortable EZ chair
Chris: At least you have the EZ chair we have to sit on the concrete
Bill: Hey, who brought you here, who gave you spam and olives and who had a leaky pipe that drips rusty water for you to drink, and who has a winning lottery ticket so when we get out of here he can buy you a cool car and some lobsters and Michelob, hehh? who?
Sarah: thanks again
Chris: Yeah thanks again. Even though...
Bill: yeah yeah... save it. (sighing) Don't worry, any second now, the Army is gonna start storming through times square with tiger tanks and M-16s and they are gonna blast all the zombies to peices and we'll be saved and i can go cash this ticket in, and you can kiss your dog and throw your football to your firehunk and Chris over there can bust a nut over Heather and finally get to see Sex in the city season 2 and... shit! None of that is gonna happen.
Sarah: Bill, please stop yelling.
Bill: NO! I've had it! Why didn't I pull some hot loose girls into this room, why did it have to be you two! Man I could be having a party in here if I had picked the right people, ohhh what I wouldn't give for some latino girls, they are fun and smart and man they know how to make a guy feel good even in the worst of circumstances. It wouldn't matter if there was darkness, girls like that are so warm, they light up the room by just being in it with you. That's why i married one, oh my god, talk about a girl who makes a man feel like a king!
Sarah: I don't think its my responsibility as a woman to make a man feel like king...
Bill: Suit yourself, I just feel bad for your fiance.
Sarah: I went to college, I'm not some house wife who is going to bend and meet the demands of whatever my man wants just because he's my man
Bill: You ever read the bible
Sarah: No need, its all just fairytales and ghost stories.. superstition.
Bill: Figured you would say that, all college girls say something stupid like that, think they know everything, even more so than the good lord
Sarah: Don't drag religion into this
Bill: Into what, into life, into death? You got your head up your ass... and the bible says that woman are hear to serve men, if you ever read it you would know that.
Sarah: So what?
Bill: When you're busy burning down in hell I'll be in heaven eating lobsters and drinking Michelob with Uncle Manny, the minister, yeah, and the angels will sing and sweet latin girls will be sitting on our laps playing the harp or whatever
Sarah: No such thing as heaven or hell
Bill: Or ghosts?
Sarah: yeah
Bill Or zombies?
Sarah: You got it
Bill: (laughing) Hey Chris, you been quiet an aweful long time, still holding your breath, hows that working out for you buddy?
(no response) Chris? Hey, Chris?
In the darkness, Bill stands up from the Ez chair and goes to Chris, shakes him, calls his name, still no response. Suddenly, a pink light appears and the ghost of Chris comes through the wall.
Chris: Sonofabitch
Sarah: Chris?
Chris: Fucking A! I died, and went up to heaven and some asshole told me that heaven was too full, that I wouldn't be able to get in- fuck!
Bill: What's it like?
Chris: I didn't get to see much of it. There was a bright light, I went through the light and then a waiting room like the DMV. They played classic rock radio, I had to listen to AC/DC and van Halen while I read Popular mechanic, it really sucked. A woman who had just died in a car crash of course had her newly dead newborn kid and the fucking kid would NOT stop crying... everyone was exchanging looks, like, YOU ARE DEAD THERE IS NO MORE PAIN... KNOCK IT OFF!! Nobody had the guts to say anything to her.... ewwww and then she was brest feeding, very innapropriate.
Bill: You hear any news
Chris: You guys are fucked, crtain death is closing in on the whole planet.
Sarah: dammit.
Chris: A short guy comes out and hands everybody slips of paper that say we are eligible to get into heave in a decade, unless its still so full, which I am sure it will be.
Bill: So now what.
Chris: Same thing that's gonna happen to a lot of people.
Sarah: Nothing, a whole lot of nothing. I'm gonna have to haunt this subway station from the minimum of a decade upwards to something ridiculous like infinity, eternity, whatever.
Bill: No, come on, that' bullshit... Oh boy. I guess death isn't any better than life.
Chris: wouldn't it figure... and also, I checked the lottery numbers, you didn't win. That jerkoff was just egging you on.
Bill: I am gonna kick his ass, as soon as I get to be a ghost, I'm talking major ass kicking.
Sarah begins to break down, she cries heavily.
Chris: Don't cry.
Sarah: I'm sorry
Bill: Don't be sorry
Sarah: I just wish that I could see John one more time.
Chris: well chances are he's dead and he is a ghost somewhere in the city, which is good news...
her cries become even more so amplified
Chris: You can visit him once you are dead... speaking of which, I hope Heather is dead too, she's got something coming from me, that's for certain
Bill: I don't want to die
Chris: Too bad.
Bill: SO you say.
Jimmy and Ryan appear again. Ryan is holding a few sheets of paper, Jimmy has his flute.
Ryan: What happened buddy, you died?
Chris: Yeah, unfortunately.
Jimmy: Welcome to the club.
Bill: (to Ryan) Oh and by the way dickhead, I don't appreciate you lying to me.
Ryan: I thought it would cheer you up.
Bill: I am gonna kick our ass so hard when I exist on your plane of matter... or anti matter or whatever
Sarah: Probably the fourth dimension, an ectoplasm field of some sort, if there is any explantion other than hallucination.
Bill: Thank you Nancy Drew
Chris: Mrs. wizard... (no one gets it) Like if she was married to Mr. Wizard...
Ryan: Who is Mr. Wizard?
Chris: A TV scientist
Ryan: I was a Buddhist, I didn't have a TV...
Chris: You really missed out on life.
Jimmy: In communist China we didn't have TVs.
Chris: But you had big macs.
Jimmy: They were awesome.
Ryan: Ok, well, were bored, beyond bored, so we decided to come in here and end not only our boredom, but you're boredom... we are going to do a little bit of performance art...
Jimmy begins to play the flute and Ryan begins to read the worst poetry ever uddered. It is torturous, horribly torturous. Bill becomes angry and frantic, he goes to the door and opens it, hungry mouths clamp down on him, he screams. Sarah slams the door.
Ryan: What the fuck was that? We aren't that bad! Are we?
Sarah moves to the newly vacant comfortable chair, crying lightly.